When I didn’t consent, but did it anyway.
I thought my first one-night stand would be a liberating and self-affirming experience. It wasn’t.
Trying desperately to please other people is something that many of us fall victim to sometimes. It seems many people spend too much time focusing on what the ‘other person’ (partner) wants, at the expensive of their own needs. It’s one thing to give, but to always be giving unconditionally? To never say exactly what you want? That’s another matter.
Tell me if you’ve had this conversation before?:
Person A: “What shall we have for dinner?”
Person B: “I don’t know. What would you like?”
A:“No, you decide. I’m really happy with whatever you want to choose.”
B:“That’s OK, I’m easy, so whatever you like is fine”
A: “OK then, well what do think?”
For the love of god someone admit they just want pizza! We keep repeating these mistake in our relationships. We’re so hell bent on making someone else happy, we lose our own voice. Yet, bottom line is, if you’d prefer pizza for dinner, suggest pizza! Don’t accept whatever’s put in front of you, just because it’s there.
Which bring me back to my one night stand. That night, I changed my mind about wanting to have sex. I tried to back out by suggesting a movie instead (this was before “Netflix and chill”). This was a clear signal to change tracks or at least slow it down. Instead of checking in with how I was feeling, this guy sighed, rolled his eyes and exclaimed “What?! Really?!”
I felt instantly guilty and I fucked him anyway.
Honestly, I enjoyed it for a moment. The rest of the moments I wanted it to be over and done with. Now, I’ve finally learnt sex should not be a chore! * If you want to stop fucking someone – STOP. If you’ve decided you’re not too sure – Pause and work it out! You can change your mind if you want to.
I’d like to say I learnt that lesson the night of my first one-night stand, but sadly there were more times when “I’m not sure,” was met with the other person ploughing ahead anyway (sometimes literally). Now, I will happily try all the weird and kinky things physically possible, within the bounds of respect and consent. (Really, my partner’s a lucky guy). But, fucking someone just to get it over and done with? Fucking someone just so they don’t feel rejected. Those days are long behind me!
And no matter what anyone says, blue balls or blue box* is better than having sex with someone who isn’t into it.
* Unless you’re into that, with all your enthusiastically consenting parties.
*Blue balls is the common phrase for the tension and ache a man feels in his balls when his orgasm is delayed. I heard another sex positive writer, refer to the frustration women feel as ‘blue box.’ I am, however, a little unsure who coined the ‘blue box’ term. Please throw me a comment, if you can shed some light on that one.