I used to hate myself. At times, I hated the way I looked in particular.
I still remember the first moment I looked into a mirror and felt utter disgust. I was 11. And, obviously, recently going through puberty.
Well, it’s been a very long time since I hit puberty. Since then I have recited many a self-affirming mantra, found lots of activities that make me feel worth something and I am even beginning to accept that I am genuinely loved.
Nonetheless, sometimes the more cruel parts of yourself whisper to you. People talk about their ghosts, their demons…their darkness. I always felt the “dark passenger” from the Dexter novel seemed like a great term for living with depression (rather than what that particular character lives with). For me, I imagine myself in my own head. I picture this “other me” sitting in a room. When my depression is settled or absent, I imagine this self as fast asleep, maybe even in a coma. Sometimes she will stir and make a snide comment. Sometimes it’s as though she’s raring to say something awful, but sits down in exhaustion. I like to think that over the years I have tamed this part of myself.
But sometimes, just sometimes, she will rage out in a violent tantrum. Until all I can hear and feel is my own self-hate. My other self has been a little loud this week.
So on this Things I Love Thursday, I am very sure of the ‘things’ I love:
- A well-deserved sleep
- Good coffee in the morning
- Cats that always come home
- Still feeling loved, when I feel just a little too weak to love myself.
- And tea. Oh thank the gods for a good cup of tea.
What keeps you going when you need a little piece of happiness?