I spoke recently about the difficulty of overcoming masturbation shame, with ‘Not so sinful masturbation.’ I want to continue this discussion by encouraging people to consider that masturbation is not always a solo act. That’s right Puddin’ Pops, I’m going to delve into mutual masturbation.
Whilst the phrase “mutual masturbation” lacks poetry, the experience of masturbating in front of someone can be mind-bogglingly beautiful. The way I see it, too many people still regard masturbation as that secret solo activity, or as that act that only the lonesome choose. The fact of the matter is “people who have regular sex partners are more likely to masturbate than people without sex partners.” (Masturbation, Planned Parenthood)
Let’s be clear, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with keeping masturbation as your own personal experience either. If you want to be away from prying eyes, then that’s great. Kick the dog outside, lock the doors, turn the lights off, jump under the covers and moan into those pillows. Or, if you’re like me, wait until your partner is at work and your housemates are away, blast some tunes and whimper as much as you like.
Still, if you haven’t tried it already, I urge you to give mutual masturbation a chance. At least once or twice with someone you feel that mutual comfort with.
Here are my top reasons for fucking yourself in front of someone else:
- You get to show off!
We’ve all got things we love and hate about our body, but taking a moment to truly revel in all the delights of your own flesh can help you to forget about those things you are most self-conscious about. It can become so easy to lose yourself in your own pleasure, and know that the person with you is happy to see you do it.
If you feel that exposing your most intimate areas under a spotlight (so to speak) is a high bar to clear, decide what you’re most comfortable with showing. Then practice by yourself first. Get really good at knowing your own body and think about all those little sounds and twitches that might be a turn on for someone else, or just yourself. And remember, you can always start slow. Sometimes the suggestion of masturbating in front of someone is enough to turn the heat up. Think of it this way, even erotic dancing (strip, burlesque etc.) has moments of subtle suggestion. It’s not always spinning nipple tassels, sometimes it’s just taking off a sock. With that in mind…
- Do it to feel sexy.
I’m personally a sucker for a pretty cunt or a pretty cock, but that’s not always the focus for the person or people you are turning on. I’m not talking about masturbating, just to show off your downstairs. The expression on your face, the look in your eyes, the whelp you let out as you get climax, these can be far more mentally stimulating for you and the person watching. So, if you’re feeling like you should be shaved, shouldn’t be shaved, don’t like that wrinkle, those scars, the asymmetry, the symmetry…the small mole shaped like Elvis…whatever is it! It isn’t exactly an exhibition. It’s a performance, and your lovers will want to see the show, not simply the poster for it.
- There’s a chance to learn something!
Don’t run just yet, I’m not asking anyone to take notes here. I’m merely saying that showing someone else how you like to get off is also encouraging and teaching your lover how to please you. The old “monkey see, monkey do.” Planned Parenthood suggest that mutual masturbation is a healthy and fun way to encourage better sex between sexual partners.
- It can be a lot of fun.
At this point, I might still have people shaking their heads and saying that this “simply isn’t for me.” Then let’s be more creative with the definition here. For example, mutual masturbation over the phone is a fantastic way to help with any shame you may have about the visuals, or at least create some suspense for the next time you see a certain someone. Masturbating with and without toys might also work better. Wearing outfits for the occasion may create a feeling of pseudo anonymity. Creating an entire “scene” or role play around mutual masturbation might be fun too. If you’re into the more kinky side of things, perhaps you could (with agreed upon consent of course) order someone to masturbate in front of you and vice versa.
- Empathy and safety
Contrary to some of the scary or simply confused messages some of us received as children, masturbation is safe. As a child and a teen I genuinely feared that masturbation made me a horrible person. I still can’t really articulate why I felt this way, but it was pervasive nonetheless. When you’re in a room *with* someone who you care about, who you trust and they reassure you that all is safe, healthy and normal it eases some of that worry that you might have carried with you. When you can then make that person smile and feel excited to see you do the very thing you used to fear. Well, it does a lot to take that fear away.
- Lurrrrve yourself, to love yourself.
Once you get into the swing of it, your self-esteem may sky rocket. If it wasn’t clear from my earlier points, the most rewarding thing for me about mutual masturbation is the permission to simply be myself. With my constant battle to look and behave the “right way,” being able to put that all aside and accept myself as sexy and hot for a little while. That’s what gets me off. Well, that and the indescribable look my partner gives me as he watches.